cochrhiben | open post

[Sena is supposed to be by today. At least that's what his sister told him.

It's still today, isn't it?

His clock tells him he only napped for an hour, but he wouldn't be shocked to learn that it had been twenty-five. Time is meaningless in the dim, unnatural lighting of his bedroom, and he makes it a point to ignore whatever glow might be trying to seep in behind the curtains over his window.

Leo lays crooked on his bed, staring blearily at the ceiling. It wouldn't matter if he missed him. Sena just left the papers with his family with barely a word. That doesn't keep him from straining his ears whenever he hears a knock at the door.

He merely wants to make sure his old friend isn't doing anything stupid, he tells himself. That's all. It's why he's listening now, breaths as silent as possible so no sound will keep him from missing the visit.]

[He's come to know the route to Leo's home well enough that he could likely find his way blindfolded. It's become so rote to Izumi that it's practically automatic, his feet carrying home down the road, two lefts, one right, past the park and then he's there. There's something to be appreciated in how little brainpower it takes, because if he had to think about it, he'd be forced to think about everything else.

How repetitive it is. How pointless it's starting to feel.

Thoughts and feelings he doesn't need weighing him down, during what feels like the most crucial year of his life.

(They're not even in the same class; why is he still doing this...)

The one who greets him at the door is most frequently Leo's mother. Sometimes Ruka, if she's home from school early. Izumi is polite and soft-spoken with them, and though they will often invite him inside, offer a drink, call for Leo to let him know Izumi's here — Izumi's gotten better at gently turning them down, always having some kind of excuse at the ready.

But today is different. Today, when she calls for Leo, he waits. Listens for a response, a sign of life. There's no real reason for it. It's just on a whim. He doesn't allow himself to hope, but...

Maybe, maybe something's changed.]

[There's a pause. Leo hears it. Why isn't Sena leaving? Why hasn't the door closed yet? Is he planning something? Is there something wrong?

He's slipped off the bed before he's realized it, padding over to his door to weakly grip the handle. Hesitating, he puts an ear to it first. Maybe he's being too hasty. Maybe Sena just has a lot of homework to drop off this time. There could be documents telling him he's to be held back a year - this wouldn't surprise him. It's not as if he plans on going back anyway.

But the door still hasn't closed yet and now Leo's twisting the knob on his own. It opens with the smallest of squeaks that's still far too loud for his liking, which causes him to stop before it's open far enough for him to peek both eyes through. He catches sight of the other idol with just the one and that's enough. It's too much.

Leo isn't ready to look at Izumi. He's too perfect looking. Too immaculately unchanged. On top of that, the room beyond is too bright for eyes now used to functioning in the dark. He stumbles back away from the door, leaving it ajar in his haste, and sits up against the side of his bed. He regrets everything.]

[Their eyes meet, for the briefest of seconds. Or rather, Izumi's two to Leo's one. And then in a flash of wispy orange hair, the link is broken, and he's gone again.

—Oh, hell no. Absolutely not!

Impulsively, Izumi tells Leo's mother that he's going to go talk to him, and is toeing his shoes off before she can even respond. She doesn't stop him from marching up the stairs towards Leo's bedroom, at least, even if that's only because she's too stunned by his sudden change in attitude to.

Just who does that idiot think he is? After Izumi has come again and again, always going out of his way to do this ungrateful scum a favor because the teachers won't even bother to ask anyone else ("Sena-kun is closest to him," they say, but it's not like they listen even when he begs to differ!), he has the nerve to— to—

To look at him and run away like he's something disgusting. Like he's dirty. A bad omen of what's transpired and what's yet to come. Izumi has already been on the bad end of more than his fair share of glares, always from those who would mock him or misunderstand him or despise him, sure— but for Leo to look at him that way...?

No way he's just going to let that go quietly!

He doesn't kick the door open, partially because it's already ajar, partially because he doesn't need Leo's mother intervening the moment he causes a scene (and he's going to cause one right here and now, but she doesn't have to know about it just yet). Izumi slips through and nudges the door behind him until it closes with a soft click, trapping the two of them inside.

It's dark in the room, despite it still being bright outside. It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust and find Leo in the shadows, but as soon as he does—]

What is wrong with you.

[The words fall apart, and he loses what he means to say, like always.]

[It's good that he closes the door. Leo doesn't think he would have been able to take seeing this angel, this demon, bathed in the warm glow of the hallway lights. Here where they're both in the shadows he doesn't have to focus one how beautiful a creature Sena is up next to his pitiful self.

But he does have to deal with him being in the room.]

Sorry... I-I'm sorry. It's a mess. I'll just...

[He's on his hands and knees then, fumbling to gather up scattered papers - some crumpled, some torn, none of them finished pieces of music. It's easier to keep his eyes turned down this way. None of them are worthy of being played. No one should have to look at them.

But even if he doesn't look, just knowing Sena is there keeps the apologies spilling from his mouth. He doesn't know how to stop them.]

Sorry... I've upset you, I'm sorry.

[Izumi clicks his tongue and groans his frustration, because this isn't what he wanted. He doesn't want these apologies, he doesn't care, because they're all empty and superficial and don't mean anything. He likes when people can own up to what they've done wrong, but this isn't that. This is a hollow shell begging for mercy, waiting for Izumi to set the rock back down so he can crawl underneath it again.

It makes his skin crawl. He's angry, but this pathetic display isn't what he wanted. He can't even articulate what he wanted instead, which makes him even angrier.

At the very least, he knows he doesn't want to see Leo like this anymore. But wishful thinking like that doesn't change anything.]

Shut up. I don't want your half-assed apologies. Just how long do you plan on sulking like this? You can't— You can't just do this forever.

[Can't he? It's a better option than going out there where judgmental eyes will follow his every move. What does he have to offer them anymore? Does he have the right to offer them anything to begin with? His gifts have only taken away from others.

He shakes his head, holding wads of paper in trembling hands.]

I'm sorry... I just can't hear it anymore. I'm not any good to you if I can't hear it.

[The music. The melodies that always spun their way joyously through his thoughts, they're gone now. If he tries to summon them back it only causes his insides to twist up with the memories of his failures.]

Is that why you're here? Do you... need a song?

[Had he hesitated to leave because he had more to ask? It hurts him to try, but if Sena wants it... if his sweet Sena wants to hear his music again... He dumps the papers to the side. At least they're out of the way, but it's not really an improvement.

With a sigh, he sits himself back up on his bed.]

I can try...

[This is nauseating. The longer he stays, the more he's forced to hear, the more his stomach twists and churns with enough malice to take his breath away. But he's the one who chased after Leo in here. He's the one who brought this upon himself. So why does his every word come out like he's blaming Leo instead?]

... I didn't come here for songs.

[He sighs, but at least it's the truth. He can't say that he doesn't want them — because he does, he does miss Leo's music, or at least what it used to be — but Izumi doesn't want to let the songs define all they had. It's a major piece in what brought them together and kept them together, sure, but...

Mm. Just like Leo's always said, words are too restrictive after all.]

The— The teachers. They keep shoving your worksheets onto me, even though we're in different classes. Like, why can't they just get one of your actual classmates to do it? Do they really think I don't have anything better to do? I have a life.

[At Leo's movement, he chances a look at him in the dim shades that compose the room. Faintly, he can make out those shaking hands, clutching at papers like his last lifeline. There's a question forming on his tongue, but he fumbles it again.]

Hey... Your, um, hands.

[His mouth flaps a little awkwardly for a second, but no other sounds come out. He stops trying.]

[But he shows up anyway. Sena might complain, and he has every right to, but he still comes by with the work regardless. Is it because he still considers them friends? Is it because he feels guilty?

A very strained little smile forms on Leo's face, and it stays there as the other idol asks his question. He looks down at his own hands then. It takes him a moment to remember how they'd gotten so marked up, as it's been a while since he's attempted to compose.]

Sorry... sorry you have to come here. You're so perfect and I never should have blamed you for anything... It's not your fault. And I... I can't blame God for giving or taking away the gifts He does.

I want to. It's easier to blame something you can't see...

It's okay. If you want to ask for a song I could probably do it. For you, I could do it. I just need a clearer headspace for the notes to flow into.

[He holds one hand in front of his face, staring at it blankly. Then, without another word, he turns it palm down and bites into the side of it with his sharp canines, drawing blood.]

[Every word that falls out of Leo's mouth is a stone down Izumi's throat. It gets harder and harder to breathe, to swallow, and though he wants to say something, anything, just to cut through the murk and make it stop, he's paralyzed. Feet nailed to the floor of Leo's bedroom, and he can only stare dumbly, watching in that silent futility, until—

Leo bites down, and Izumi is jerked forward like a doll on a string. A part of him hesitates to touch the other, when the Leo before him is just a battered mess of broken wings and brittle bones. He'll only hurt him even more. And yet, before the fear can fully halt him, he's already batted Leo's hand away from his face and grasped his wrist instead.]

S-Stop. Idiot, stop, what do you think you're doing.

[In his head, he's yelling these words, but the horror of it all translates them into something muted and defeated before anything's even begun.]

I don't want it. I don't want this kind of song.

[The kind covered in blood. Your blood. For all that Leo offered him, promised him, when had Izumi ever truly asked for that? Making enemies of the world, staining himself in the blood of others, and once that couldn't suffice, then his own—

Was he ever really listening to what Izumi truly wanted? Honestly, did he even care?]

Stop it. Just— stop.

Edited 2022-11-22 06:51 (UTC)

Oh.

[Leo stares at Sena's hand on his wrist. A very small part of him is overjoyed that his friend would even be willing to touch him, filthy as he is. The other idol's fingers are warm and the pleasant scent of his cologne cuts through the usual musk of his unkempt bedroom. He doesn't want him to move.

But he doesn't know what else to say. If this isn't what Sena wants then what else can he do?]

... I'm sorry.

[The words come out as a hoarse whisper. They're all he has left to offer.]

[Izumi realizes how tightly he's holding the wrist in his hand, feeling more fragile than ever before, and convinces himself to let go; he doesn't swat the hand away, thankfully, but the pressure eases up until a gentle release, slowly dropping Leo's hand back down. He rolls back onto his heels, hearing the protesting crinkle of other crumpled, discarded scores beneath his feet.

... Ah. Even if Leo didn't want these anymore, he shouldn't have stepped on them. It didn't matter if it was on accident, on impulse, the collateral means to an end. He just keeps on damaging things, not realizing how badly until they're already broken.

Izumi withdraws again, taking a step back from the bed, careful not to crush anything else underfoot this time. His whisper matches Leo's.]

It's like that's all you know how to say anymore. They're not magic words, you know. Things won't get better if you just keep on saying it.

[Leo cradles his bleeding hand in his other. It doesn't hurt much, and he doesn't blame Sena for stopping him. He shouldn't have to rely on something so pitiful, but pain is the only way he can force inspiration lately.

But they're not pretty songs that he makes. They're sad, and they tear at the heart. Sena wouldn't want something like that.]

Conveying things just through words is difficult... And the music won't come, so I'm on repeat.

[Absently, he swipes at a bit of blood with his other thumb. He hadn't bitten very deep this time, so it won't bleed for long.]

If I can't compose for you, then you should forget I'm here.

Do you really think that's all I...

[He trails off, and is silent for a long time. Well, isn't it natural for Leo to think that way? Has Izumi ever given him any reason to believe otherwise? When he's this prickly and stubborn, only ever talking about their next song, their next fight, always shrugging off the weight of whatever label more Leo wants to slap on what they have.

Who does Izumi think he is, anyway? Coming out here, standing in Leo's room like he has any reason to, right to. To demand answers, to share his space. If Leo wants to hole up here in the dark forever... It's not his responsibility to drag him back out into the light.

Despite all he's said, if Leo wants to think that songs are all Izumi wants from him, just like all the others... What more can he even say, at this point?

They're not what everyone seems to think they are. ... They're not even friends.]

Is that what you want? For me to forget you? Is it just easier for you that way?

[No. It wouldn't be easier at all. If Sena stopped coming to the door completely then the already large hole in Leo's heart would crumble the rest of it away. He would become a withered husk, curled up out of the sunlight for the rest of his life.

Maybe that's him being dramatic in the moment. He knows he's said the wrong thing, but hadn't he just gotten finished talking about the difficulty of words? If Sena forgot about him, it wouldn't be easier on him - but it might be easier on Sena. Then his friend wouldn't have to worry about him anymore. He could stop wasting his time picking up papers from another class. He could go about his life, lead Knights into a successful future better than Leo could.

But his throat closes up and he can't get himself to say any of this. He turns his head away to stare down at his hands again instead. Affirming that is impossible.]

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sample prompt: depressed leo homework delivery ft. izumi

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tw: self harm

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